Inspiring video I found today

searching for a blog

While searching for the perfect blog to read, one about a struggling yet determined young mother finding insight and perspective in daily musings and less-than-heroic prose , I realized I might be searching for my own.  It's been ages since I have written here. Alot has changed-two moves and a new little baby boy.  But what hasn't changed is my desire to connect - to the world and those around me, and to my own self and the Divine which are different in essence and yet inseparable.  So in searching for wisdom, within and without, I found this old blog template and a lost art of blogging, and though I may not end up with a throng of avid followers, I may end up with a little more insight and a little more  fulfillment, in sharing my story.  Here's to beginning again :-)

'We carry within us the wonders we seek without us.'
-Eric Butterworth

This weeks goals

At one of my favorite blogs, www.moneysavingmom.com, she posts her weekly goals and I find them very intriguing and inspiring so I decided I'm going to start doing the same.  If for no other reason, than to hold myself accountable.  Here are this week's goals:

Family/mothering Goals:

-At least one story time, and one visit to the library for new books
-At least one new fun activity for this week (I'll post about that)
-Keep morning and bed time routine consistent

Personal Goals:

-At least one good long Yoga session (I have to stay small on this goal because it's really hard for me to get motivated)
-One long aerobic exercise session
-Help Laura with one of the children's classes in the area this week
-One Blog entry a day

Home Management:

-One DIY seasonal decoration
-Millet oatmeal cookies
-Complete chores for the week

When you feel like giving up

I want to give up on blogging, on goals, on organization, and zone out in front of the tv with a pan of cinnamon buns.  I want to hide from the world with my stomach ache and heart ache and over active mind- the hustle and bustle of running around in circles with my thoughts going nowhere, which is where many thoughts, that stay just thoughts, will lead you. 

Because in this day and age it's not important what you think, really- well to the extent that thought is creative and leads to action it is, but I mean... in the long run, what I think, about me, those around me, my lack of direction and inability to conquer certain reoccuring challenges (such as eating the whole pan of cinnamon buns...again)- these are not so important, especially when they stay cooped up in my head weighing me down like a shackle....

They are like shackles.  And I know too well how thoughts can create a prison of self: familiar grooves in brain connections comfortably firing their same old pattern of hopelessness. "Woah is me! (hand to head in a dramatic gesture of self pity)." How did I end up here with such a positive upbringing, with high moral direction, and impeccably shiny happy people holding hands all around me as a kid...

I'll tell you- I did not end up here.  This is no ending- I've mistaken my head from my rear- Why this is the beginning!- ahead is where I am going- I do believe I was looking behind me for the last...oh, lets see... 5 days or so: (Since I got the stomach flu on Sunday... that's about when I caught this case of the pity me's).  To conclude... on a postive note, since my head got sidetracked grammatically correcting this nonsence:
 x( Problem) + y (solution) = hmmm...

 x (Life) -- y( problem) = solution, wait... that's not right either.  I don't even know if I can fit an x and y in there.  Wouldn't that be great if it were a formula.  I think there definitely is a formula but it's more like:  (Oh... well actually this is totally an individual formula) prayer + service, definitely need more of it, so for me: + more service + community (to the power of some big number-not sure how to type that) + one step at a time + COMPASSION (for self AND other) -- any negative self talk + mysterious divine grace (that I so easily forget) = Contentment and fulfillment. 

There.  Piece of Cake.  Check answers by doing the problem backwards: yep- correct.  I think I feel better already...: ) (That so strange to think I feel some way... can you feel your thoughts like you think you feel something- yeah I guess I can really feel my thoughts some times...interesting...)

Beautiful Quote on Service

"I slept and dreamt that life was joy.

I awoke and saw that life was service.

I acted and behold, service was joy."
- Rabindranath Tagore

Deep Breaths

I just recently discovered that if I make my breath long and full like ocean waves while I'm putting Haley to bed, she falls asleep fast, I get relaxed and the night is more peaceful.  Just thought I'd share.

Breath is an amazing tool, for coming into the moment, slowing down, and calming down, and it's hard to talk about breath without breathing more consciously and deeply.

An itty bitty goal

My little goal for today:

replace 5 minutes of computer madness with 5 minutes of meditation. 

Was it life changing? not really- but it sure did feel satisfying.

I think achieving goals uses spiritual muscles that for me are some what weak at the moment. 

So starting itty bitty is important and soon maybe I'll be able to go for days without plugging in

(thought I guess if I'm going to get serious about blogging that might not work)

Home Made Popsicles

In my opinion, the best way to get a picky toddler to eat her fruit is turn it into a popsicle.

Haley will eat anything in popsicle form ( except carrot juice)  I have even taken those

Odwalla smoothies and put them in a popsicle mold- green drinks, veggie/fruit mixes,

we love popsicles.

Our popsicle combo of the week: blueberry, banana, soy milk.  

Goals

"The Trajedy in Life

doesn't lie in not

reaching your goal. 

The tragedy lies in

having no goal to reach."

-Benjamin Mays

Thankyou Awareness

While searching online for hours it seems, tweeking my search threads to find just the exact collection of writings to motivate, inspire, and leave me with a feeling of fulfillment and togetherness, I realized that what I was searching for cannot be found online (what a shocker)... and might actually require me to get up off my bum and take action... in reality, and not in the virtual cyberspace I have gotten thoroughly lost in.  Thank you awareness.  I'm going to go do some yoga now.   

Shopping...

Haley and I went shopping today.  I'm not much of a shopper.  But I always forget that I'm not much of a shopper.  I get excited about accumulating all the unnecessary luxuries that I imagine I need and then... after losing my wallet, multiple toddler melt downs, nothing fitting right, and the anxiety of indecision, that comes with racks and racks of style variations, I remember...well I remember a few things actually-


1. I'm not a shopper
2. I need very little compared to what corporations would have me believe I need
3. I am not my outfit

Letting go of Fear

Opportunities are arising.  And as exciting as they are- there's a little part of me that will miss the cozy comfort of isolation and hibernation and...I think I am understanding more about the challenge of opening up to all that I am- that the issue is not in fearing failure or fearing negativity- but in handling the incredible light, the grandeur of being a spiritual being- the true being that I am- that we all are.

 I'm working on saying yes quickly, without hesitation, before my mind catches up with it's ifs ands or buts.  I'm working on running with the positive possibilities, letting go of the illusion that there is anything to fear but fear itself.   

perfectly imperfect

It is my biggest challenge- to break through the illusion that my life should some how look like some one else's.  Blessed be this life I have co-created out of my freedom to choose.  A life that is by no means perfect but filled with perfect moments- of joy and hardship, perfect mis-communications- if their could be such a thing- so that I might remember how to better emulate the person I want to be.  Blessed be the perfect imperfections that plague my dissipating judgement.  And blessed be all those who witness the grace of life unfolding, just as it is, to help us remember all we set out to be. 

God and I played hide and seek in the beautiful birch trees one day
The brilliant sun filtered through leaves,
rustling in the gentle autumn breeze
Ferns shimmeyed joyfully on the forest floor
She tried to hide her huge birthing thighs, and big pillowy bosom
squeezing tightly behind thin white birch poles
laughing boisterously at the ridiculousness of it all
This game, that we insist is so fun, speaks to the children-
we stay eternally children running from branch to branch,
falling and skinning our knees,
pretending not to see the huge grin of Love peeking from around the tree.

More Doing, Less Thinking

Sometimes I long to be one of those people who just has an idea, feels crazy passionate about it, goes for it with wholehearted dedication, and succeeds.  Maybe its never quite that smooth and simple.  Everyone has obstacles I know and the truth is that envy is a space in my life I could really use some spiritual fullness.

 I believe the fullness to fill it up with is gratitude.  Envy is believing I lack what I see, gratitude is seeing all that is there, so that these gifts can expand and fill my perception with spiritual abundance.  Lack is an illusion that I buy into when I am dependant on something other than spirituality. 

So how can I practice this gratitude and truly get better at being grateful.  The thought occured to me that I could think less- he he- I know- it's somewhat obvious, but it was an epiphany for me.  To do more, think less- this is my goal right now. 

In the mood for nonsense

So much to say, where to begin, and so little that is actually neccessary to say, and so many judgements on what takes priority in collecting thoughts to speak about.  And by the time I've collected a culmination of these carefully placed syllables of sound, I find I have all but abandoned the instinctual flow of organically unfolding verbage that so beautifully adornes the self-concious-less heros in my world.  I must think less, or maybe just less about my process of thinking.  Maybe I should take up painting about speaking rather than writing about talking, it might make listening to my thinking more beautiful and less confusing. 

A little Adventure not far from home

Jon and I have been craving the ocean, but...we live in Pennsylvania so our next best thing to the ocean, that doesn't involve a lengthy road trip is Lake Erie.  Not too shabby for an ocean substitute if you ask me.  In fact, the only thing that put a damper on the trip, aside from getting eaten alive by bugs towards the end of the day, was the information we found online about the pollution now plaguing this beautiful great lake- still it was beautiful.  And we were able to wade on the shore, collect rocks, and dig our toes into the sand, which made the trip totally worthwhile, even with Haley's meltdowns and protests, and constant signing of "I want" +"outside," while sitting in her car seat.  Plus her mollars were coming in hard yesterday and I got a little carried away with the homeopathic numbing gel, which I think created some confusion for her about why she couldn't feel the tip of her toungue ( and some people say that stuff doesn't work...)      

Celebrate Everything

Tommorrow I'm going to celebrate everything.  Yay.

Haley's 1st Birthday!! (and other updates)

This is a little late.  Haley had her first birthday.  Wuhoo!  I spent about 45 minutes decorating even though we only had one guest.  What are you gonna do.  I had fun.  Haley was a little intimidated by all the decorations- she kept looking at them and crying so we had to move the party inside.  She got some fabulous gifts.  I think I might have been more excited about her gifts than she was.   I'm pretty sure she just wanted to play with the box- one of which makes a great walker.  Also, I got accepted to play  a song at Hartwood acres Sunday (big big outdoor stage drawing the likes of such well known singers as Traci Chapman and Josh Ritter) It's part of a local musicians night and I'm super excited.  Not sure if I will be able to have as much fun as I do playing in my living room by myself but I will try... but not too hard, right..you don't want to over try, or under try, which would be detrimental to the over all success of the...oh I should probably just stop thinking too much about it.

crazy but splendid

I can be insane in the worst way and blame him for my insanity.  And tear at the walls of my luxurious provided-for reality with a vengeance that knows no rationale. Imagining lack in the worst hopelessly pitiful way.  I can sink into the quicksand of depression with one negative thought and get sucked so far down that my soul is gasping for breath.... ahhhh!

And then... I can realize, as I listen to them playing in the bath tub, and pause to breathe, and take a moment to collect my pity-filled self, that actually... it isn't so bad.  And as I come to the bottom of my tear reservoir, and find an inkling of hope in the collection of synapse connections that make up my thought patterns, actually it's quite good really.

 Actually, why am I so sad?... she's so precious... he's so sweet...hmmmm....man, the air conditioning feels so refreshing...wait, what was the problem again?...and then I come crawling up the mountain- deep breath- anticipating the view.  And I get to the top of a night off from bath time and bed time (I've been quarantined to the downstairs with my pouty drama queen, far-less-than-grateful attitude) and I sit here... 

I sit here... typing; breathing; sighing; surrendering... and I get back to the top of my mountain of self and look out, listening to Him singing to Her in the bath tub and the sound of the fan, and the feel of spacious air around me, smiling to myself a little- not forcing it- too tired to force it.  And suddenly the view is nice again and God is good...actually really good... and I might be alright.  I might be more than alright.  I might be splendid- crazy but splendid : )