Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Friday, June 17, 2011

Haley's 1st Birthday!! (and other updates)

This is a little late.  Haley had her first birthday.  Wuhoo!  I spent about 45 minutes decorating even though we only had one guest.  What are you gonna do.  I had fun.  Haley was a little intimidated by all the decorations- she kept looking at them and crying so we had to move the party inside.  She got some fabulous gifts.  I think I might have been more excited about her gifts than she was.   I'm pretty sure she just wanted to play with the box- one of which makes a great walker.  Also, I got accepted to play  a song at Hartwood acres Sunday (big big outdoor stage drawing the likes of such well known singers as Traci Chapman and Josh Ritter) It's part of a local musicians night and I'm super excited.  Not sure if I will be able to have as much fun as I do playing in my living room by myself but I will try... but not too hard, don't want to over try, or under try, which would be detrimental to the over all success of the...oh I should probably just stop thinking too much about it.

Friday, June 10, 2011

crazy but splendid

I can be insane in the worst way and blame him for my insanity.  And tear at the walls of my luxurious provided-for reality with a vengeance that knows no rationale. Imagining lack in the worst hopelessly pitiful way.  I can sink into the quicksand of depression with one negative thought and get sucked so far down that my soul is gasping for breath.... ahhhh!

And then... I can realize, as I listen to them playing in the bath tub, and pause to breathe, and take a moment to collect my pity-filled self, that actually... it isn't so bad.  And as I come to the bottom of my tear reservoir, and find an inkling of hope in the collection of synapse connections that make up my thought patterns, actually it's quite good really.

 Actually, why am I so sad?... she's so precious... he's so, the air conditioning feels so refreshing...wait, what was the problem again?...and then I come crawling up the mountain- deep breath- anticipating the view.  And I get to the top of a night off from bath time and bed time (I've been quarantined to the downstairs with my pouty drama queen, far-less-than-grateful attitude) and I sit here... 

I sit here... typing; breathing; sighing; surrendering... and I get back to the top of my mountain of self and look out, listening to Him singing to Her in the bath tub and the sound of the fan, and the feel of spacious air around me, smiling to myself a little- not forcing it- too tired to force it.  And suddenly the view is nice again and God is good...actually really good... and I might be alright.  I might be more than alright.  I might be splendid- crazy but splendid : )

Monday, June 6, 2011

Chocolate cake and prayer

Sometimes (more often than I'd like to admit) I just need a big slice of chocolate cake... and maybe a roller coaster or two.

 And maybe a huge outdoor concert with friends and family

 and a visit from my future in-laws, who are pretty much the best second family a girl could ask for.  Don't get me wrong I'm sure it sounds like nothing but peaches and cream and... it is : ) but I can still get wrapped up in illusions of lack- and some of it isn't totally illusion-

 I mean I still have only a few friends and Haley's first birthday party is going to be soooo small and wedding plans are in the works, which terrifies me and is reassuring at the same time.  And there are always things to worry about but... why worry when you can pray.

or maybe something more like this: