Saturday, May 28, 2011

a collection of random thoughts

Can't decide whether to blog about our zoo trip this morning, the extreme corruption in capitalism that I just learned more about in Michael Moore's documentary (I always learn MOre in michael MOores documentaries), or parenting goals for this week, or the depressing mental aftermath of late night binging, or the bittersweet practice of doing nothing when nothing is quite satisfying enough to do, especially at midnight, or this dream I had that I found this can of spirituality on the shelf in grocery store next to the canned peas.  I wanted to get it for Haley but Jon said it was too old- that we'll get some fresh- there was dust on the top.  I guess I'll leave it at that.  

Tuesday, May 24, 2011


Breathe into where you are, no matter where that may be so you can go further- these were the words my yoga instructor captured my attention with this morning.  
It got me thinking about acceptance and how my mom used to always tell me we think we have to change in order to accept ourselves but we really have to accept ourselves in order to change.   
Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. 

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Peaceful day

Sat in the back yard with Haley today looking very closely at ants and roly polies and clovers and...  we watched birds fly and chipmunks scramble and saw one butterfly, lots of clouds and lots of acorns.  Haley is such a little observer.  Sometimes I worry when we are with other little kids and she doesn't really want to participate or when she cries at strangers (maybe it's the age).  But then there are times like today sitting there for ages watching the nature show live in our back yard, and then having a peaceful meal on the river as a family, when I wonder why I feel the need to worry so.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

running in the rain

This is how I let go today, heel toe, left,right, misty eyes, pumping arms, leaping and bounding above worries, as rain drops washed me clean of wanting things to be different.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Don't think too much when your tired

Sometimes its not good to think late at night.  Not good to think about friends you've had to say goodbye to, dancing adventures that seem like a lifetime ago.  It's not good to think about times you've given less than you feel you could, let go of dreams that might have led to great successes.  It's not good to think about the person you once were and the mystery of who you have yet to discover.  It's not good to think about the tension that suddenly has appeared in this weighty silence in front of the television, or the incredible commitment of life- partnership that ensues on the horizon, and not just for a lifetime, according to my religion- through "all the worlds of God."  It's not good to think about these things late at night.  Sometimes it is just time to go to bed.

Friday, May 13, 2011


I have been realizing lately that no matter how much I talk about the importance of gratitude and in my head value it, I just have had the hardest time grasping how to actually live in a state of gratitude- does it mean being joyful? I guess that's a part of it, not taking things for granted? well yes- but HOW do you take action along those lines and not let it sit in your head as an unexpressed ideal.  I found a baha'i quote this morning that really helped me understand this concept of gratitude more deeply and Thank you Abdu'l-Baha for this:

"To thank God for His bounties consisteth in possessing a radiant heart and a soul open to the promptings of the spirit.  This is the essence of thanksgiving."

So... prompting ="carried out or performed without delay"

So often I feel an urge to take some positive action however subtle or monumental and I hesitate...I think out of laziness.  Not that I am by nature lazy- I believe by nature I am a completely tuned in, at one, and motivated to act on all spiritual urges.  I'm really not sure what it is that stops me but by stopping I think I desensitize myself to the spiritual urges.  So I'm making an effort to act on all spiritual promptings however big or small.  Kind of like in that movie Yes Man- maybe not quite so extreme but to some extent I have a tendency to drift into no man land- saying no to all impulses and invitations from people, my mind, my family's invites and it is sort of an ungrateful stance- like saying I'd rather not take that gift actually, I'd rather hide out in my den of cozy misery and remain afraid of daily social interaction....Ok, well maybe that is a little exaggeration of reality but you get what I mean...Hopefully. ; )

New Friends

Haley has been asleep for 2 and half hours! in the middle of the day.  I hope she's not fighting something.  I just went and checked on her and she was in dream land- facial expressions shifting slightly and little ticks of the fingers and eyes lashes. 

I have finally made a few friends- yay! One is a woman from Peru who lives down the street.  She has a little boy the same age as Haley and says we will have to hang out.  It was definitely divine because I was going to go ask her if she wanted to go walking and then I ran into her right down the street with her stroller and I was crossing the street to go up and she was crossing the street to go the same direction and yay. 

The other woman I met was this petite, bubbly, new mom at Kmart.  We got into a conversation in line and we've been texting ever since.  Thank God.    

Monday, May 9, 2011

My mother's visit

And then she left, As swiftly as she came... My mother- Oh how I'll miss her.  She left a trail of flashy new toys and a fridge full of healthy food.  And a grandbaby who has discovered her squeels for delight.  And Jon is anxious to get to the golf course.  Gotta go.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Mental Vacation

I'm lying in the sand on a secluded stretch of beach

Bright, beautiful sunshiny day.  Just enough clouds to create a good postcard shot, or to find shapes and cloud beings

The ocean is a clear blue/green, reflecting clear blue sky

waves lapping on the shore,  rhythmic crashing like the soothing breath of a mother, nestling baby on chest

My baby playing at the shoreline, dancing, building sand castles, leaping for joy

Oh and I'm getting a massage from my hubby as I lay there sunbathing

And we're drinking virgin Pina Coladas, with organic pineapples, coconut, and bananas from the banana trees nearby

And we have endless amounts of raw chocolate, we're getting our raw chocolate buzz on and laughing and smiling

The light breeze carries the scent of sea salt and fresh ocean air...oh gotta go Haley just woke up, more later.

This is my mental vacation- suggested in Good Housekeeping to reduce stress.  Just thought I'd share.

Friday, May 6, 2011


Shoot.  My mother just brought to my attention that I spelled emergance wrong- so the URL for my blog here is misspelled- son of a... and she also brought to my attention that I am not 27, I am 28- Ha- how did I miss that.  Oh well.  I guess I will make my misspelled URL a symbol of my work towards accepting imperfection.  More later.. My soon-to-be-hubby just got home.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Haley's Activities- 11 Months

I got a few new books from the library that gave me some new ideas for Haley.  I also mixed in some that I just made up.  Here is a list of what we've been doing recently:
  • Shoe box with a string tied to one end- she likes to put her toys in the box and drag it behind her as she crawls.  Then she takes toys out along the way.  Mostly she plays with the string.  
  • cardboard shapes.  She doesn't quite know how to match them but she likes to bang them together and watch me match them. 
  • Clacking with markers and colored pencils (just because that is what we happen to have around) I'll clack rhythms and she tries to copy
  • Stuffed animal teachers- I gather all her stuffed animals and dolls and together the dolls and I teach her where her nose is, what jumping is, etc.  Right now I read along with this big board book called my first picture word book and the dolls act out what is in the book
  • Hands on walks- we take walks either in her stroller or riding in her ergo carrier (better exercise for me) and as I'm pointing out things I help her touch everything and smell everything
  • Food adventures- put different foods in different containers, sit her on the porch and let her have at it- I usually have to do quite a clean up afterward
  • I haven't tried this one yet: jello painting- get big sheets of wax paper and jello and show her how to "paint" the jello all over the wax paper
  • Scribbling with crayons, washable crayons, I want to try taking them into the bath tub too. 
  • filling containers in the bath tub
  • Sign songs (from the book Baby Signs
  • finger songs like eentsie weentsie spider and if your happy and you know it
  • Dance party
  • Climb cushions, stairs (with supervision), boxes and suitcases
  • Play in the sand box (we don't have one but this would be fun- I think there's local playgrounds that have them)
  • Shoe box full of recyclables (to stack, chew on, and clack together
Anyway these are just a few of the things I've been trying to do with her on a daily basis in case anyone is interested.

While sitting here in silence

While sitting here in silence, I await the divine inspiration that I know lies within me bursting at the seams- the tight- knit, see-through-me-not seams that hold my insides together like a stuffed animal's, well-loved, a little tethered- but these are rugged seams that don't let go.  Today in a meeting I let my insides out a little- I cried when someone asked me how the move was going.  Not because its the end of the world or I am moved by the current state of affairs in the world today (though both are true- I think the world as we know it is ending) but more so because I didn't feel good- what a sort of disappointing catalyst for the process of raining through the eyes.  But yes that was it, no more, I just didn't feel good- I guess there is more though- missing the past and feeling insignificant and wanting to do so much more than I feel I am able to right now.  But in my daily reading from yesterday (A book called Sacred Moments) it talked about humility.  Anyone can feel special in helping end world hunger or taking care of lepers in Ghana (speaking of which watch the movie the human experience- it's excellent).  It takes a real degree of humility to find fulfillment in putting away toys and doing the dishes.  And today I might have found it a little bit.  After I surrendered to exposing my true feelings this morning and letting go of trying to put on a happy face for everyone, I felt a certain sigh of relief.  There was a piece in the movie I just mentioned that talked about how sharing your suffering with a friend brings you closer together and it's part of the quality of bonding that creates human connection. While I don't believe in dwelling in the negative or giving up to stinking thinking all the time, I am realizing that a certain amount of candid sharing can possibly bring the world closer- might be just the ticket for me at this time in my life.