crazy but splendid

I can be insane in the worst way and blame him for my insanity.  And tear at the walls of my luxurious provided-for reality with a vengeance that knows no rationale. Imagining lack in the worst hopelessly pitiful way.  I can sink into the quicksand of depression with one negative thought and get sucked so far down that my soul is gasping for breath.... ahhhh!

And then... I can realize, as I listen to them playing in the bath tub, and pause to breathe, and take a moment to collect my pity-filled self, that actually... it isn't so bad.  And as I come to the bottom of my tear reservoir, and find an inkling of hope in the collection of synapse connections that make up my thought patterns, actually it's quite good really.

 Actually, why am I so sad?... she's so precious... he's so sweet...hmmmm....man, the air conditioning feels so refreshing...wait, what was the problem again?...and then I come crawling up the mountain- deep breath- anticipating the view.  And I get to the top of a night off from bath time and bed time (I've been quarantined to the downstairs with my pouty drama queen, far-less-than-grateful attitude) and I sit here... 

I sit here... typing; breathing; sighing; surrendering... and I get back to the top of my mountain of self and look out, listening to Him singing to Her in the bath tub and the sound of the fan, and the feel of spacious air around me, smiling to myself a little- not forcing it- too tired to force it.  And suddenly the view is nice again and God is good...actually really good... and I might be alright.  I might be more than alright.  I might be splendid- crazy but splendid : )

Chocolate cake and prayer

Sometimes (more often than I'd like to admit) I just need a big slice of chocolate cake... and maybe a roller coaster or two.

 And maybe a huge outdoor concert with friends and family

 and a visit from my future in-laws, who are pretty much the best second family a girl could ask for.  Don't get me wrong I'm sure it sounds like nothing but peaches and cream and... it is : ) but I can still get wrapped up in illusions of lack- and some of it isn't totally illusion-

 I mean I still have only a few friends and Haley's first birthday party is going to be soooo small and wedding plans are in the works, which terrifies me and is reassuring at the same time.  And there are always things to worry about but... why worry when you can pray.

  
or maybe something more like this:

a collection of random thoughts

Can't decide whether to blog about our zoo trip this morning, the extreme corruption in capitalism that I just learned more about in Michael Moore's documentary (I always learn MOre in michael MOores documentaries), or parenting goals for this week, or the depressing mental aftermath of late night binging, or the bittersweet practice of doing nothing when nothing is quite satisfying enough to do, especially at midnight, or this dream I had that I found this can of spirituality on the shelf in grocery store next to the canned peas.  I wanted to get it for Haley but Jon said it was too old- that we'll get some fresh- there was dust on the top.  I guess I'll leave it at that.  

Acceptance

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Breathe into where you are, no matter where that may be so you can go further- these were the words my yoga instructor captured my attention with this morning.  

It got me thinking about acceptance and how my mom used to always tell me we think we have to change in order to accept ourselves but we really have to accept ourselves in order to change.   

Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. 

Peaceful day

Sat in the back yard with Haley today looking very closely at ants and roly polies and clovers and...  we watched birds fly and chipmunks scramble and saw one butterfly, lots of clouds and lots of acorns.  Haley is such a little observer.  Sometimes I worry when we are with other little kids and she doesn't really want to participate or when she cries at strangers (maybe it's the age).  But then there are times like today sitting there for ages watching the nature show live in our back yard, and then having a peaceful meal on the river as a family, when I wonder why I feel the need to worry so.

running in the rain

This is how I let go today, heel toe, left,right, misty eyes, pumping arms, leaping and bounding above worries, as rain drops washed me clean of wanting things to be different.

Don't think too much when your tired

Sometimes its not good to think late at night.  Not good to think about friends you've had to say goodbye to, dancing adventures that seem like a lifetime ago.  It's not good to think about times you've given less than you feel you could, let go of dreams that might have led to great successes.  It's not good to think about the person you once were and the mystery of who you have yet to discover.  It's not good to think about the tension that suddenly has appeared in this weighty silence in front of the television, or the incredible commitment of life- partnership that ensues on the horizon, and not just for a lifetime, according to my religion- through "all the worlds of God."  It's not good to think about these things late at night.  Sometimes it is just time to go to bed.