A little Adventure not far from home

Jon and I have been craving the ocean, but...we live in Pennsylvania so our next best thing to the ocean, that doesn't involve a lengthy road trip is Lake Erie.  Not too shabby for an ocean substitute if you ask me.  In fact, the only thing that put a damper on the trip, aside from getting eaten alive by bugs towards the end of the day, was the information we found online about the pollution now plaguing this beautiful great lake- still it was beautiful.  And we were able to wade on the shore, collect rocks, and dig our toes into the sand, which made the trip totally worthwhile, even with Haley's meltdowns and protests, and constant signing of "I want" +"outside," while sitting in her car seat.  Plus her mollars were coming in hard yesterday and I got a little carried away with the homeopathic numbing gel, which I think created some confusion for her about why she couldn't feel the tip of her toungue ( and some people say that stuff doesn't work...)      

Celebrate Everything

Tommorrow I'm going to celebrate everything.  Yay.

Haley's 1st Birthday!! (and other updates)

This is a little late.  Haley had her first birthday.  Wuhoo!  I spent about 45 minutes decorating even though we only had one guest.  What are you gonna do.  I had fun.  Haley was a little intimidated by all the decorations- she kept looking at them and crying so we had to move the party inside.  She got some fabulous gifts.  I think I might have been more excited about her gifts than she was.   I'm pretty sure she just wanted to play with the box- one of which makes a great walker.  Also, I got accepted to play  a song at Hartwood acres Sunday (big big outdoor stage drawing the likes of such well known singers as Traci Chapman and Josh Ritter) It's part of a local musicians night and I'm super excited.  Not sure if I will be able to have as much fun as I do playing in my living room by myself but I will try... but not too hard, right..you don't want to over try, or under try, which would be detrimental to the over all success of the...oh I should probably just stop thinking too much about it.

crazy but splendid

I can be insane in the worst way and blame him for my insanity.  And tear at the walls of my luxurious provided-for reality with a vengeance that knows no rationale. Imagining lack in the worst hopelessly pitiful way.  I can sink into the quicksand of depression with one negative thought and get sucked so far down that my soul is gasping for breath.... ahhhh!

And then... I can realize, as I listen to them playing in the bath tub, and pause to breathe, and take a moment to collect my pity-filled self, that actually... it isn't so bad.  And as I come to the bottom of my tear reservoir, and find an inkling of hope in the collection of synapse connections that make up my thought patterns, actually it's quite good really.

 Actually, why am I so sad?... she's so precious... he's so sweet...hmmmm....man, the air conditioning feels so refreshing...wait, what was the problem again?...and then I come crawling up the mountain- deep breath- anticipating the view.  And I get to the top of a night off from bath time and bed time (I've been quarantined to the downstairs with my pouty drama queen, far-less-than-grateful attitude) and I sit here... 

I sit here... typing; breathing; sighing; surrendering... and I get back to the top of my mountain of self and look out, listening to Him singing to Her in the bath tub and the sound of the fan, and the feel of spacious air around me, smiling to myself a little- not forcing it- too tired to force it.  And suddenly the view is nice again and God is good...actually really good... and I might be alright.  I might be more than alright.  I might be splendid- crazy but splendid : )

Chocolate cake and prayer

Sometimes (more often than I'd like to admit) I just need a big slice of chocolate cake... and maybe a roller coaster or two.

 And maybe a huge outdoor concert with friends and family

 and a visit from my future in-laws, who are pretty much the best second family a girl could ask for.  Don't get me wrong I'm sure it sounds like nothing but peaches and cream and... it is : ) but I can still get wrapped up in illusions of lack- and some of it isn't totally illusion-

 I mean I still have only a few friends and Haley's first birthday party is going to be soooo small and wedding plans are in the works, which terrifies me and is reassuring at the same time.  And there are always things to worry about but... why worry when you can pray.

  
or maybe something more like this:

a collection of random thoughts

Can't decide whether to blog about our zoo trip this morning, the extreme corruption in capitalism that I just learned more about in Michael Moore's documentary (I always learn MOre in michael MOores documentaries), or parenting goals for this week, or the depressing mental aftermath of late night binging, or the bittersweet practice of doing nothing when nothing is quite satisfying enough to do, especially at midnight, or this dream I had that I found this can of spirituality on the shelf in grocery store next to the canned peas.  I wanted to get it for Haley but Jon said it was too old- that we'll get some fresh- there was dust on the top.  I guess I'll leave it at that.  

Acceptance

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Breathe into where you are, no matter where that may be so you can go further- these were the words my yoga instructor captured my attention with this morning.  

It got me thinking about acceptance and how my mom used to always tell me we think we have to change in order to accept ourselves but we really have to accept ourselves in order to change.   

Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.