This weeks goals

At one of my favorite blogs, www.moneysavingmom.com, she posts her weekly goals and I find them very intriguing and inspiring so I decided I'm going to start doing the same.  If for no other reason, than to hold myself accountable.  Here are this week's goals:

Family/mothering Goals:

-At least one story time, and one visit to the library for new books
-At least one new fun activity for this week (I'll post about that)
-Keep morning and bed time routine consistent

Personal Goals:

-At least one good long Yoga session (I have to stay small on this goal because it's really hard for me to get motivated)
-One long aerobic exercise session
-Help Laura with one of the children's classes in the area this week
-One Blog entry a day

Home Management:

-One DIY seasonal decoration
-Millet oatmeal cookies
-Complete chores for the week

When you feel like giving up

I want to give up on blogging, on goals, on organization, and zone out in front of the tv with a pan of cinnamon buns.  I want to hide from the world with my stomach ache and heart ache and over active mind- the hustle and bustle of running around in circles with my thoughts going nowhere, which is where many thoughts, that stay just thoughts, will lead you. 

Because in this day and age it's not important what you think, really- well to the extent that thought is creative and leads to action it is, but I mean... in the long run, what I think, about me, those around me, my lack of direction and inability to conquer certain reoccuring challenges (such as eating the whole pan of cinnamon buns...again)- these are not so important, especially when they stay cooped up in my head weighing me down like a shackle....

They are like shackles.  And I know too well how thoughts can create a prison of self: familiar grooves in brain connections comfortably firing their same old pattern of hopelessness. "Woah is me! (hand to head in a dramatic gesture of self pity)." How did I end up here with such a positive upbringing, with high moral direction, and impeccably shiny happy people holding hands all around me as a kid...

I'll tell you- I did not end up here.  This is no ending- I've mistaken my head from my rear- Why this is the beginning!- ahead is where I am going- I do believe I was looking behind me for the last...oh, lets see... 5 days or so: (Since I got the stomach flu on Sunday... that's about when I caught this case of the pity me's).  To conclude... on a postive note, since my head got sidetracked grammatically correcting this nonsence:
 x( Problem) + y (solution) = hmmm...

 x (Life) -- y( problem) = solution, wait... that's not right either.  I don't even know if I can fit an x and y in there.  Wouldn't that be great if it were a formula.  I think there definitely is a formula but it's more like:  (Oh... well actually this is totally an individual formula) prayer + service, definitely need more of it, so for me: + more service + community (to the power of some big number-not sure how to type that) + one step at a time + COMPASSION (for self AND other) -- any negative self talk + mysterious divine grace (that I so easily forget) = Contentment and fulfillment. 

There.  Piece of Cake.  Check answers by doing the problem backwards: yep- correct.  I think I feel better already...: ) (That so strange to think I feel some way... can you feel your thoughts like you think you feel something- yeah I guess I can really feel my thoughts some times...interesting...)

Thankyou Awareness

While searching online for hours it seems, tweeking my search threads to find just the exact collection of writings to motivate, inspire, and leave me with a feeling of fulfillment and togetherness, I realized that what I was searching for cannot be found online (what a shocker)... and might actually require me to get up off my bum and take action... in reality, and not in the virtual cyberspace I have gotten thoroughly lost in.  Thank you awareness.  I'm going to go do some yoga now.   

Shopping...

Haley and I went shopping today.  I'm not much of a shopper.  But I always forget that I'm not much of a shopper.  I get excited about accumulating all the unnecessary luxuries that I imagine I need and then... after losing my wallet, multiple toddler melt downs, nothing fitting right, and the anxiety of indecision, that comes with racks and racks of style variations, I remember...well I remember a few things actually-


1. I'm not a shopper
2. I need very little compared to what corporations would have me believe I need
3. I am not my outfit

perfectly imperfect

It is my biggest challenge- to break through the illusion that my life should some how look like some one else's.  Blessed be this life I have co-created out of my freedom to choose.  A life that is by no means perfect but filled with perfect moments- of joy and hardship, perfect mis-communications- if their could be such a thing- so that I might remember how to better emulate the person I want to be.  Blessed be the perfect imperfections that plague my dissipating judgement.  And blessed be all those who witness the grace of life unfolding, just as it is, to help us remember all we set out to be. 

God and I played hide and seek in the beautiful birch trees one day
The brilliant sun filtered through leaves,
rustling in the gentle autumn breeze
Ferns shimmeyed joyfully on the forest floor
She tried to hide her huge birthing thighs, and big pillowy bosom
squeezing tightly behind thin white birch poles
laughing boisterously at the ridiculousness of it all
This game, that we insist is so fun, speaks to the children-
we stay eternally children running from branch to branch,
falling and skinning our knees,
pretending not to see the huge grin of Love peeking from around the tree.

In the mood for nonsense

So much to say, where to begin, and so little that is actually neccessary to say, and so many judgements on what takes priority in collecting thoughts to speak about.  And by the time I've collected a culmination of these carefully placed syllables of sound, I find I have all but abandoned the instinctual flow of organically unfolding verbage that so beautifully adornes the self-concious-less heros in my world.  I must think less, or maybe just less about my process of thinking.  Maybe I should take up painting about speaking rather than writing about talking, it might make listening to my thinking more beautiful and less confusing. 

A little Adventure not far from home

Jon and I have been craving the ocean, but...we live in Pennsylvania so our next best thing to the ocean, that doesn't involve a lengthy road trip is Lake Erie.  Not too shabby for an ocean substitute if you ask me.  In fact, the only thing that put a damper on the trip, aside from getting eaten alive by bugs towards the end of the day, was the information we found online about the pollution now plaguing this beautiful great lake- still it was beautiful.  And we were able to wade on the shore, collect rocks, and dig our toes into the sand, which made the trip totally worthwhile, even with Haley's meltdowns and protests, and constant signing of "I want" +"outside," while sitting in her car seat.  Plus her mollars were coming in hard yesterday and I got a little carried away with the homeopathic numbing gel, which I think created some confusion for her about why she couldn't feel the tip of her toungue ( and some people say that stuff doesn't work...)      

Haley's 1st Birthday!! (and other updates)

This is a little late.  Haley had her first birthday.  Wuhoo!  I spent about 45 minutes decorating even though we only had one guest.  What are you gonna do.  I had fun.  Haley was a little intimidated by all the decorations- she kept looking at them and crying so we had to move the party inside.  She got some fabulous gifts.  I think I might have been more excited about her gifts than she was.   I'm pretty sure she just wanted to play with the box- one of which makes a great walker.  Also, I got accepted to play  a song at Hartwood acres Sunday (big big outdoor stage drawing the likes of such well known singers as Traci Chapman and Josh Ritter) It's part of a local musicians night and I'm super excited.  Not sure if I will be able to have as much fun as I do playing in my living room by myself but I will try... but not too hard, right..you don't want to over try, or under try, which would be detrimental to the over all success of the...oh I should probably just stop thinking too much about it.

crazy but splendid

I can be insane in the worst way and blame him for my insanity.  And tear at the walls of my luxurious provided-for reality with a vengeance that knows no rationale. Imagining lack in the worst hopelessly pitiful way.  I can sink into the quicksand of depression with one negative thought and get sucked so far down that my soul is gasping for breath.... ahhhh!

And then... I can realize, as I listen to them playing in the bath tub, and pause to breathe, and take a moment to collect my pity-filled self, that actually... it isn't so bad.  And as I come to the bottom of my tear reservoir, and find an inkling of hope in the collection of synapse connections that make up my thought patterns, actually it's quite good really.

 Actually, why am I so sad?... she's so precious... he's so sweet...hmmmm....man, the air conditioning feels so refreshing...wait, what was the problem again?...and then I come crawling up the mountain- deep breath- anticipating the view.  And I get to the top of a night off from bath time and bed time (I've been quarantined to the downstairs with my pouty drama queen, far-less-than-grateful attitude) and I sit here... 

I sit here... typing; breathing; sighing; surrendering... and I get back to the top of my mountain of self and look out, listening to Him singing to Her in the bath tub and the sound of the fan, and the feel of spacious air around me, smiling to myself a little- not forcing it- too tired to force it.  And suddenly the view is nice again and God is good...actually really good... and I might be alright.  I might be more than alright.  I might be splendid- crazy but splendid : )

Chocolate cake and prayer

Sometimes (more often than I'd like to admit) I just need a big slice of chocolate cake... and maybe a roller coaster or two.

 And maybe a huge outdoor concert with friends and family

 and a visit from my future in-laws, who are pretty much the best second family a girl could ask for.  Don't get me wrong I'm sure it sounds like nothing but peaches and cream and... it is : ) but I can still get wrapped up in illusions of lack- and some of it isn't totally illusion-

 I mean I still have only a few friends and Haley's first birthday party is going to be soooo small and wedding plans are in the works, which terrifies me and is reassuring at the same time.  And there are always things to worry about but... why worry when you can pray.

  
or maybe something more like this:

a collection of random thoughts

Can't decide whether to blog about our zoo trip this morning, the extreme corruption in capitalism that I just learned more about in Michael Moore's documentary (I always learn MOre in michael MOores documentaries), or parenting goals for this week, or the depressing mental aftermath of late night binging, or the bittersweet practice of doing nothing when nothing is quite satisfying enough to do, especially at midnight, or this dream I had that I found this can of spirituality on the shelf in grocery store next to the canned peas.  I wanted to get it for Haley but Jon said it was too old- that we'll get some fresh- there was dust on the top.  I guess I'll leave it at that.  

running in the rain

This is how I let go today, heel toe, left,right, misty eyes, pumping arms, leaping and bounding above worries, as rain drops washed me clean of wanting things to be different.

Don't think too much when your tired

Sometimes its not good to think late at night.  Not good to think about friends you've had to say goodbye to, dancing adventures that seem like a lifetime ago.  It's not good to think about times you've given less than you feel you could, let go of dreams that might have led to great successes.  It's not good to think about the person you once were and the mystery of who you have yet to discover.  It's not good to think about the tension that suddenly has appeared in this weighty silence in front of the television, or the incredible commitment of life- partnership that ensues on the horizon, and not just for a lifetime, according to my religion- through "all the worlds of God."  It's not good to think about these things late at night.  Sometimes it is just time to go to bed.

New Friends

Haley has been asleep for 2 and half hours! in the middle of the day.  I hope she's not fighting something.  I just went and checked on her and she was in dream land- facial expressions shifting slightly and little ticks of the fingers and eyes lashes. 

I have finally made a few friends- yay! One is a woman from Peru who lives down the street.  She has a little boy the same age as Haley and says we will have to hang out.  It was definitely divine because I was going to go ask her if she wanted to go walking and then I ran into her right down the street with her stroller and I was crossing the street to go up and she was crossing the street to go the same direction and yay. 

The other woman I met was this petite, bubbly, new mom at Kmart.  We got into a conversation in line and we've been texting ever since.  Thank God.    

My mother's visit

And then she left, As swiftly as she came... My mother- Oh how I'll miss her.  She left a trail of flashy new toys and a fridge full of healthy food.  And a grandbaby who has discovered her squeels for delight.  And Jon is anxious to get to the golf course.  Gotta go.

Mental Vacation

I'm lying in the sand on a secluded stretch of beach

Bright, beautiful sunshiny day.  Just enough clouds to create a good postcard shot, or to find shapes and cloud beings

The ocean is a clear blue/green, reflecting clear blue sky

waves lapping on the shore,  rhythmic crashing like the soothing breath of a mother, nestling baby on chest

My baby playing at the shoreline, dancing, building sand castles, leaping for joy

Oh and I'm getting a massage from my hubby as I lay there sunbathing

And we're drinking virgin Pina Coladas, with organic pineapples, coconut, and bananas from the banana trees nearby

And we have endless amounts of raw chocolate, we're getting our raw chocolate buzz on and laughing and smiling

The light breeze carries the scent of sea salt and fresh ocean air...oh gotta go Haley just woke up, more later.

This is my mental vacation- suggested in Good Housekeeping to reduce stress.  Just thought I'd share.

Oops

Shoot.  My mother just brought to my attention that I spelled emergance wrong- so the URL for my blog here is misspelled- son of a... and she also brought to my attention that I am not 27, I am 28- Ha- how did I miss that.  Oh well.  I guess I will make my misspelled URL a symbol of my work towards accepting imperfection.  More later.. My soon-to-be-hubby just got home.

While sitting here in silence

While sitting here in silence, I await the divine inspiration that I know lies within me bursting at the seams- the tight- knit, see-through-me-not seams that hold my insides together like a stuffed animal's, well-loved, a little tethered- but these are rugged seams that don't let go.  Today in a meeting I let my insides out a little- I cried when someone asked me how the move was going.  Not because its the end of the world or I am moved by the current state of affairs in the world today (though both are true- I think the world as we know it is ending) but more so because I didn't feel good- what a sort of disappointing catalyst for the process of raining through the eyes.  But yes that was it, no more, I just didn't feel good- I guess there is more though- missing the past and feeling insignificant and wanting to do so much more than I feel I am able to right now.  But in my daily reading from yesterday (A book called Sacred Moments) it talked about humility.  Anyone can feel special in helping end world hunger or taking care of lepers in Ghana (speaking of which watch the movie the human experience- it's excellent).  It takes a real degree of humility to find fulfillment in putting away toys and doing the dishes.  And today I might have found it a little bit.  After I surrendered to exposing my true feelings this morning and letting go of trying to put on a happy face for everyone, I felt a certain sigh of relief.  There was a piece in the movie I just mentioned that talked about how sharing your suffering with a friend brings you closer together and it's part of the quality of bonding that creates human connection. While I don't believe in dwelling in the negative or giving up to stinking thinking all the time, I am realizing that a certain amount of candid sharing can possibly bring the world closer- might be just the ticket for me at this time in my life.

All in a days work

I've included a bunch of positive affirmations in this post for anyone who might stumble upon this blog and need some affirmations- say them aloud, yeah!

I relax and enjoy life.  I know that whatever I need to know is revealed to me in the perfect time and space sequence.

Oh man, in the words of Dave Matthews, "my head won't leave my head alone."  On the one hand my day was precious and peaceful and full of love- I got to hang with my darling daughter, do some spring cleaning, and watch the rain fall from our covered deck.

I fill my mind with positive thoughts

On the other hand my day was lonely and challenging and full of frustration- I still have only one friend (thank you Holly : ) I yelled at Haley (ugh, I know) and didn't really accomplish much.  Well I guess I'm too hard on myself, like so many people probably.

 I feel the joy of abundance

I stumbled upon a mom's group at the park today (yay) but I felt so awkward being a good 10 years younger than everyone there and with Haley's jacket cut up to use as a sun hat, and barging in on their members only group (I guess it costs $20 a year to join) and nobody really said hi to me except one woman who I went up to to ask if this was a mom's group. 

 I have unlimited potential

I definitely don't want to make this the complaint department but I guess I'm just feeling a little stuck and thought I'd share.  It's good to just get it out.  Who cares what people think.